Day 9: Most Nights, I Don't Know

Some nights.
I know it's kinda depressing, but those few words just really hit me.
“Well, Some nights, I wish that this all would end Cause I could use some friends for a change And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again”

I really wish I blogged starting from day 1 because I know this transition of independence is only going to happen once. But I can tell you a few things. I always blamed myself for not being able to find the group of friends immediately. For feeling like puking because I was homesick. For always having a rock in my stomach and never being able to eat.

This is the first night I came back to Mac from being home. I'm glad I had a roommate to talk to me. It feels... normal now. I can't believe I just said that. But like everything I do here I'm doing here for the first time.
How do I explain it.

Day 1 was different. It was like camp. A camp that never ended. I found friends. Stuck by my roommate. Day 2 I went to church. It was super nice. I can tell you all the orientation activities and I guess re-cap everything. But I can just sum up the week in one word: Overwhelming.
I've never tried so many new things in one week. I've never felt such sadness before.

Yesterday I sobbed. I just sobbed on my mom for the longest time. I couldn't get anything done. I felt sick. Sick of everything. Tired of Mac...

It was really depressing. It carried over until today. I went to church. Felt sick. Barely ate breakfast. Cried during dinner the night before. However, once textbooks started coming, and I started understanding what was required of me in a course.. I guess I felt better. I finally ate lunch without a rock in my stomach.

Earlier on, I found an acorn JUST outside my res. I picked it up. I love plants. I love biology. I love the fact that I'm here studying what I LOVE! I know it's going to be hard.. but I'll get there. And I know there'll be reward for this. Just looking at Tonia, I know that one day I'll have such a beautiful future. Because I'm working hard for it. And i have a God who loves me. And aside from that, I don't really NEED anything. I have a loving family. I'm looking at my roommate whose parents are divorced. It's tough you know? But I have parents who love me. A cat who is too clingy sometimes ;) and friends that are just a text or call away.

My parents always use the bird analogy. That all birds have to take wing and fly. The feeling of falling is terrifying. Utterly scary. I will make mistakes ( lose 1$ to ATM machines.. sign up for a credit card underage ROFL, pay way too much for a textbook).. But you know what, I have my parents holding on to me. I can do these things on my own. One day, they can let go, and I can fly. Even though I'm falling, I'll always have them. A safety net.

I don't know why I was so depressed. Or why now I'm suddenly so happy. Maybe it's cause I don't want this blog to be just about challenges. It's about overcoming them. One step at a time. Baby steps. One day at a time. Days will become weeks. Weeks, months, and soon I'll be home. Changed for the better. I just know it. I'll find my group of friends. I'll find my niche. I'll figure things out.

I wish I blogged earlier. But earlier on, I was frankly just too depressed to do anything about it. I'm glad I have this now. LOL. But I wish I blogged as a super depressed person. Just so you guys can see how far I've come.

Sobbing every night. to... less sobbing every night ;)

I'll grow into an oak tree. I'll be able to fly. I'll learn new things daily, and overcome challenges. Even if I don't, I have the best love that can ever be found. And the best people. :)

Side note, thanks Mich for the owl. Otto will always be with me to guide my wings :)